Love at first sight--not!
We hear time and time again that we will fall in love with our child at first sight. This myth is often the basis for a great deal of guilt and worry on the part of many new mothers.
I'm sure there are some people that do fall in love with their baby on first sight, but this was not true for me and many of my friends as well. So if this was one area that is causing you worry--stop right now!
I'm not sure when I fell in love with my son. I can't pinpoint a date, perhaps because as I mentioned in my previous post those newborn days were fraught with stress, worry, and the lack of sleep. I think my earliest emotions in regard to him were probably this overwhelming sense of responsibility and fear that I wouldn't be able to live up to it.
However, I do know that when things began to settle down I did discover that I loved him--and that love continues to grow deeper every day. He is quite literally the love of my life. Just looking at him, touching him, or thinking about him can make me smile and when he tells me that he loves me or gives me a hug or kiss then my heart could burst with love.
I remember when I first discovered that I could make him smile and I must admit I spent a lot of time doing just that. It is a wonderful feeling to have that ability. It is also a wonderful feeling to see my son just light up when I enter a room whether we've been apart for a day or a minute.
So don't fret if you don't get that sensation of all-encompassing love with your newborn baby. Your body and hormones have been on a rough ride and its still not over yet. But you are programmed to love your baby and he is programmed to be lovable. Just relax, give it some time, and in the end there will be more love there than you ever thought possible!
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Newborn nightmares!
For nine months you've wanted to cuddle your baby in your arms, you've longed to sleep on your stomach, and you've dreamed of becoming a family...then reality hits!
All you do is hold your baby because he is screaming. He continues to scream even when you hold him but the decibel level does seem to drop slightly.
Sleep on your stomach? What's sleep?
Family time? When your husband hits the door he better be equipped with adult food, diapers, and formula or else! Now it's time for you to take a shower to wash the spitup out of your hair.
Ah those newborn days! One of my wise friends told me that just like the memory of labor pains so to will the memory of those newborn days fade. While I do remember them both vividly there is some truth in her words. The memory of the sheer overwhelming struggle of those days has faded with time.
We survived--all three of us--and there was cuddle time, there was sleep (eventually), and there was a family at the end of it all.
I remember a pregnant friend asking me when we felt like a family after Noah was born. I told her that I couldn't pinpoint the moment because I think our family was rather like a Phoenix born in fire. There wasn't much in the way of conscious thought during those hectic, sleep-deprived newborn weeks, but by the time we'd survived them we were a family--a loving, functioning unit.
So I don't mean to scare expectant and new mothers with my horror stories, but rather to offer some heartfelt advice to help you and your family through the process.
First, remember that while the newborn, settling in period seems to last forever it is usually measured in weeks. By the time he was six weeks old Noah was sleeping a good 6 hour stretch at night and that is a livable amount of sleep. From talking with other mother's this is fairly typical and some babies settle down even sooner than that. Of course some take longer, too, but remember they all do eventually!
Second, plan ahead! Get everything in your life in as much order as possible--pay bills ahead, stock your cupboard and freezer, buy gifts and seasonal clothing ahead, and so on. Every little task that you don't need to handle during that trying time will be a gift, believe me. And if your little one settles fast then you just have more free time to play and cuddle.
Third, get help! Line up family, friends, church members, or paid help before hand. If you don't know who will be available then make up a list of help you may need so when people ask you can match up a task quickly and easily. Most people really do want to help and any help you can get with daily life stuff gives you more energy to heal your body and focus on your baby--neither task is minimal! We had friends deliver meals and they were blessings. I couldn't drive to go to the supermarket and my husband was trying to work and help out at home while also sleep deprived. We both needed food but really didn't have much energy to spare for it. It is amazing how helpful a meal you don't have to cook can be when things are hectic and crazy. We were also fortunate enough to have family available to move in and take over meals, laundry, and household chores for a few weeks. This also allowed me the ability to catch up on sleep because I didn't have to catnap like Noah. Once he was fed I could go to bed and not worry if he fussed a bit. Even having someone come over so you can nap one day, or take a leisurely shower can be a blessing.
Fourth, work as a team with your husband. He often has to work harder to establish a bond with your newborn and he honestly needs the opportunity to do so. You are doing both father and child a favor by letting them interact. Let Daddy do his share of the feeding, burping, walking, diapering, bathing, etc. and don't just relegate him to servant status. I still love watching my husband in his tender moments with our son. But in those newborn days it is even more important because you really need more consecutive hours of sleep than a newborn's schedule usually will give you. We worked out a system where I went to sleep about 8 p.m. or so after Noah's evening feeding. My husband took care of the night feeding and put Noah down before he went to bed. Then when I got up for the 2 a.m. or so feeding I had about 6 hours of sleep or so. Granted it cut into our time together but it is only a short-term problem and eventually you'll be able to work back to a more normal life.
Finally, plan your sleeping arrangements and furniture carefully. Make sure there is a fully-equipped changing area that will not disturb your sleeping partner. While it is sometimes tempting to do so at 4 a.m. remember that when the tables are turned you don't want to be disturbed! This is the primary reason Noah didn't spend more than his first few nights sleeping in the same room as us. It simply didn't allow anyone to get any sleep and that is not good! Some people make it work for them, but it didn't for us! I also can't say enough for one specific piece of furniture that saved us through much of infancy--a rocker, recliner. A comfortable rocking chair is simply a must in any case, but I liked being able to rock Noah to sleep and then simply putting footstool up so I didn't have to move him much at all to reach comfort myself. Also, I found this chair to be the optimal height to rest my arms on while breastfeeding and it was always my location of choice. Finally, I found that I could sleep with Noah in this chair without fear of dropping him or rolling over and squashing him and any snatched sleep is a blessing!
Good luck!
For nine months you've wanted to cuddle your baby in your arms, you've longed to sleep on your stomach, and you've dreamed of becoming a family...then reality hits!
All you do is hold your baby because he is screaming. He continues to scream even when you hold him but the decibel level does seem to drop slightly.
Sleep on your stomach? What's sleep?
Family time? When your husband hits the door he better be equipped with adult food, diapers, and formula or else! Now it's time for you to take a shower to wash the spitup out of your hair.
Ah those newborn days! One of my wise friends told me that just like the memory of labor pains so to will the memory of those newborn days fade. While I do remember them both vividly there is some truth in her words. The memory of the sheer overwhelming struggle of those days has faded with time.
We survived--all three of us--and there was cuddle time, there was sleep (eventually), and there was a family at the end of it all.
I remember a pregnant friend asking me when we felt like a family after Noah was born. I told her that I couldn't pinpoint the moment because I think our family was rather like a Phoenix born in fire. There wasn't much in the way of conscious thought during those hectic, sleep-deprived newborn weeks, but by the time we'd survived them we were a family--a loving, functioning unit.
So I don't mean to scare expectant and new mothers with my horror stories, but rather to offer some heartfelt advice to help you and your family through the process.
First, remember that while the newborn, settling in period seems to last forever it is usually measured in weeks. By the time he was six weeks old Noah was sleeping a good 6 hour stretch at night and that is a livable amount of sleep. From talking with other mother's this is fairly typical and some babies settle down even sooner than that. Of course some take longer, too, but remember they all do eventually!
Second, plan ahead! Get everything in your life in as much order as possible--pay bills ahead, stock your cupboard and freezer, buy gifts and seasonal clothing ahead, and so on. Every little task that you don't need to handle during that trying time will be a gift, believe me. And if your little one settles fast then you just have more free time to play and cuddle.
Third, get help! Line up family, friends, church members, or paid help before hand. If you don't know who will be available then make up a list of help you may need so when people ask you can match up a task quickly and easily. Most people really do want to help and any help you can get with daily life stuff gives you more energy to heal your body and focus on your baby--neither task is minimal! We had friends deliver meals and they were blessings. I couldn't drive to go to the supermarket and my husband was trying to work and help out at home while also sleep deprived. We both needed food but really didn't have much energy to spare for it. It is amazing how helpful a meal you don't have to cook can be when things are hectic and crazy. We were also fortunate enough to have family available to move in and take over meals, laundry, and household chores for a few weeks. This also allowed me the ability to catch up on sleep because I didn't have to catnap like Noah. Once he was fed I could go to bed and not worry if he fussed a bit. Even having someone come over so you can nap one day, or take a leisurely shower can be a blessing.
Fourth, work as a team with your husband. He often has to work harder to establish a bond with your newborn and he honestly needs the opportunity to do so. You are doing both father and child a favor by letting them interact. Let Daddy do his share of the feeding, burping, walking, diapering, bathing, etc. and don't just relegate him to servant status. I still love watching my husband in his tender moments with our son. But in those newborn days it is even more important because you really need more consecutive hours of sleep than a newborn's schedule usually will give you. We worked out a system where I went to sleep about 8 p.m. or so after Noah's evening feeding. My husband took care of the night feeding and put Noah down before he went to bed. Then when I got up for the 2 a.m. or so feeding I had about 6 hours of sleep or so. Granted it cut into our time together but it is only a short-term problem and eventually you'll be able to work back to a more normal life.
Finally, plan your sleeping arrangements and furniture carefully. Make sure there is a fully-equipped changing area that will not disturb your sleeping partner. While it is sometimes tempting to do so at 4 a.m. remember that when the tables are turned you don't want to be disturbed! This is the primary reason Noah didn't spend more than his first few nights sleeping in the same room as us. It simply didn't allow anyone to get any sleep and that is not good! Some people make it work for them, but it didn't for us! I also can't say enough for one specific piece of furniture that saved us through much of infancy--a rocker, recliner. A comfortable rocking chair is simply a must in any case, but I liked being able to rock Noah to sleep and then simply putting footstool up so I didn't have to move him much at all to reach comfort myself. Also, I found this chair to be the optimal height to rest my arms on while breastfeeding and it was always my location of choice. Finally, I found that I could sleep with Noah in this chair without fear of dropping him or rolling over and squashing him and any snatched sleep is a blessing!
Good luck!
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
One of the myriad of decisions to be made after giving birth is whether or not to breastfeed.
Many new mothers make the decision that they will breast feed, however when things get tough (and they often do!) a large portion quit.
I decided to breastfeed my son and was able to persist through the difficult times because I had a good support system in place. Hopefully you will be able to set up something similar for yourself so that you can control the situation and make it a positive experience for you and your baby.
Before my baby was born I read up on the subject, talked with friends who had breastfed their babies, and took a class at the hospital where my son was born. Our hospital has a lactation consultant on staff and she is available even after you go home which is a great bonus for first-timers.
In the hospital we experienced some newbie fumblings but actually seemed to do just fine. Then after we came home my milk came in with a rush. Suddenly there were problems. After some rough times, a quick consultation with the lactation specialist resulted in some pumping to make it easier for baby and to relieve the aching pressure on mom.
We got through OK but did occasionally resort to formula, especially when discovered that we got a few more hours of sleep as the result of a late evening bottle, however primarily was breastfed for the first six months. We never had a problem with nipple confusion and he happily ate whatever was offered.
Once we worked the kinks out of our system it was a wonderfully rewarding experience emotionally and physically. My husband became a big fan as well and (very out of character for him) advocates it to expecting mothers he knows. It is also amazingly convenient even though I was never so free as to breastfeed in public places however when visiting a girlfriend it wasn't a problem.
I had to cut back when Noah was six months old as I went back to work. I was rather surprised at how emotional I felt about doing so even though it wasn't a total weaning. I totally weaned him when he was not quite a year old. By then he had a lot of teeth and felt the need to use them often enough that I thought it was time.
There are a lot of resources available and utilize them if you are thinking about breastfeeding or experiencing problems.
Here are few links to advice about breastfeeding:
http://www.drspock.com/topic/0,1504,514+AgeM0_2+cbx_feeding,00.html
http://www.ivillage.com/topics/pregbaby/0,,166419,00.html?arrivalSA=1&arrival_freqCap=2
However, the best advice is often from people who have been there. I know if I hadn't already been told that those early weeks can be difficult I might have given up or let my husband convince me to give up. At that point it just seemed to much easier to give him a bottle!
The support and advice that experienced mothers and fathers who have lived through the experience successfully can be invaluable, but it may be a good idea to line up more than one set. In part so you don't wear them out but also in case you need more wide ranging advice. Not everyone has the same experience and they may not have encountered your particular problem. For example, my biggest problem was the overwhelming milk production at first while another friend of mine had a problem with very little milk at first.
I do highly recommend the experience, even with our rocky start I wouldn't trade those months for anything. I know it is not possible to love my child any more, however I do feel that there is a certain closeness generated that cannot be duplicated with bottle feeding. And quite frankly, when you are talking about midnight feedings it is a lot easier to bare a breast than to operate machinery, even something as simple as a microwave!
Many new mothers make the decision that they will breast feed, however when things get tough (and they often do!) a large portion quit.
I decided to breastfeed my son and was able to persist through the difficult times because I had a good support system in place. Hopefully you will be able to set up something similar for yourself so that you can control the situation and make it a positive experience for you and your baby.
Before my baby was born I read up on the subject, talked with friends who had breastfed their babies, and took a class at the hospital where my son was born. Our hospital has a lactation consultant on staff and she is available even after you go home which is a great bonus for first-timers.
In the hospital we experienced some newbie fumblings but actually seemed to do just fine. Then after we came home my milk came in with a rush. Suddenly there were problems. After some rough times, a quick consultation with the lactation specialist resulted in some pumping to make it easier for baby and to relieve the aching pressure on mom.
We got through OK but did occasionally resort to formula, especially when discovered that we got a few more hours of sleep as the result of a late evening bottle, however primarily was breastfed for the first six months. We never had a problem with nipple confusion and he happily ate whatever was offered.
Once we worked the kinks out of our system it was a wonderfully rewarding experience emotionally and physically. My husband became a big fan as well and (very out of character for him) advocates it to expecting mothers he knows. It is also amazingly convenient even though I was never so free as to breastfeed in public places however when visiting a girlfriend it wasn't a problem.
I had to cut back when Noah was six months old as I went back to work. I was rather surprised at how emotional I felt about doing so even though it wasn't a total weaning. I totally weaned him when he was not quite a year old. By then he had a lot of teeth and felt the need to use them often enough that I thought it was time.
There are a lot of resources available and utilize them if you are thinking about breastfeeding or experiencing problems.
Here are few links to advice about breastfeeding:
http://www.drspock.com/topic/0,1504,514+AgeM0_2+cbx_feeding,00.html
http://www.ivillage.com/topics/pregbaby/0,,166419,00.html?arrivalSA=1&arrival_freqCap=2
However, the best advice is often from people who have been there. I know if I hadn't already been told that those early weeks can be difficult I might have given up or let my husband convince me to give up. At that point it just seemed to much easier to give him a bottle!
The support and advice that experienced mothers and fathers who have lived through the experience successfully can be invaluable, but it may be a good idea to line up more than one set. In part so you don't wear them out but also in case you need more wide ranging advice. Not everyone has the same experience and they may not have encountered your particular problem. For example, my biggest problem was the overwhelming milk production at first while another friend of mine had a problem with very little milk at first.
I do highly recommend the experience, even with our rocky start I wouldn't trade those months for anything. I know it is not possible to love my child any more, however I do feel that there is a certain closeness generated that cannot be duplicated with bottle feeding. And quite frankly, when you are talking about midnight feedings it is a lot easier to bare a breast than to operate machinery, even something as simple as a microwave!
Monday, September 29, 2003
Motherhood is often about choices. Sometimes we agonize over them and sometimes they are made so quickly it is really just instinct. However they are made we, and our children, have to learn to live with them. Strangely some of the decisions we think are so very important don't turn out to be as major as we feared although sometimes the converse is true is as well. Hopefully others can learn from some of my decisions and the repercussions they had.
My journey to motherhood culminated on Thursday, Feb. 15, 2001, when I awoke to discover my water had broken. Not in the great gush you always encounter in fiction, but more of a slow trickle. I was also experiencing some cramping but as I'd had some severe Braxton-Hicks before that I couldn't be sure I was actually in labor.
I had a doctor's appointment already scheduled for later that day. It was meant to be my last as I was scheduled to be induced on Monday although my due date was not until March 1 because the baby was large and I'd already been on bed rest due to issues related to blood pressure and fluid retention. Overall I'd had a horrendous pregnancy with morning sickness that lasted the entire time and sometimes left me totally incapacitated.
After showering and eating breakfast, the pains seemed more pronounced. I felt a bit more urgency but didn't want to inconvenience anyone so I packed my bag and drove myself to the doctor's office--hours early for my appointment.
Sure enough, the nurse practioner confirmed I was in labor and called to the hospital which was fortunately next door. Within the hour I was registered and installed in my room and demanding drugs! I hadn't made a decision either way regarding natural child birth although I'd thought I could tough it out longer than that!
I called my husband at work and waited and waited and waited. Fortunately for him the drugs arrived before he did so I was feeling a bit more mellow.
The afternoon progressed rather slowly and strangely watching TV and getting regular checks.
By evening things had reached a critical point though and were ready to move. The only problem was the baby wasn't correctly positioned and various positions didn't seem to make a difference in shifting him.
Labor progressed for several more hours and the epidural wore off. I was getting more tired and progress wasn't being made. Finally, the doctor presented me with the option of a "C" section or using forceps. I decided on forceps and at 11:30 my son Noah was born weighing in at 10 pounds 2 ounces and measuring 23 inches long.
Now a few final notes about decisions and choices...
I chose my hospital basically on the recommendation of a friend (I had several to choose from within an hour's drive). There is a hospital only minutes from my house but I opted for one that was about a half hour drive as I felt I'd get better care, more services, and have a wider choice in ob-gyn. I was very happy with the hospital, the nursing staff, and the support and services we received.
I chose my ob-gyn after a bit of research into my available choices. I really wanted a woman (I've always had a woman gyn) and my friends in the area had all had men obs. All during my prenatal care I was very happy with my doctor and her staff. My husband and I always felt comfortable talking with her and asking questions.
However, when delivery time came she was on vacation, literally out of the country. Her backup was delivering another baby in another hospital so I ended up with some doctor (male!) on call and then he left in the evening and I ended up with a different doctor entirely doing the delivery. My wrist ID had all these names on there that were crossed off and written in! I was actually glad of the doctor there for delivery as I felt more comfortable with him than with the previous doctor. However, you spend most of your time until the actual delivery with a nurse and when it comes time you don't really care who is there, or at least I didn't!
When Noah was born he wasn't in distress but they were concerned about the length of the labor (following the loss of amniotic fluid) and mercomium (sp) in the fluid so he was whisked directly to a waiting specialist who checked him out from head to toe and then followed up before we went home. There weren't any concerns after all but it was reassuring to have that specialist available.
Finally, the decision about medication. I'd take the drugs again in a heartbeat! The last hours were awful and I can't imagine going the whole time without help but then I'm a wimp. It's important to know yourself and your own limitations.
My journey to motherhood culminated on Thursday, Feb. 15, 2001, when I awoke to discover my water had broken. Not in the great gush you always encounter in fiction, but more of a slow trickle. I was also experiencing some cramping but as I'd had some severe Braxton-Hicks before that I couldn't be sure I was actually in labor.
I had a doctor's appointment already scheduled for later that day. It was meant to be my last as I was scheduled to be induced on Monday although my due date was not until March 1 because the baby was large and I'd already been on bed rest due to issues related to blood pressure and fluid retention. Overall I'd had a horrendous pregnancy with morning sickness that lasted the entire time and sometimes left me totally incapacitated.
After showering and eating breakfast, the pains seemed more pronounced. I felt a bit more urgency but didn't want to inconvenience anyone so I packed my bag and drove myself to the doctor's office--hours early for my appointment.
Sure enough, the nurse practioner confirmed I was in labor and called to the hospital which was fortunately next door. Within the hour I was registered and installed in my room and demanding drugs! I hadn't made a decision either way regarding natural child birth although I'd thought I could tough it out longer than that!
I called my husband at work and waited and waited and waited. Fortunately for him the drugs arrived before he did so I was feeling a bit more mellow.
The afternoon progressed rather slowly and strangely watching TV and getting regular checks.
By evening things had reached a critical point though and were ready to move. The only problem was the baby wasn't correctly positioned and various positions didn't seem to make a difference in shifting him.
Labor progressed for several more hours and the epidural wore off. I was getting more tired and progress wasn't being made. Finally, the doctor presented me with the option of a "C" section or using forceps. I decided on forceps and at 11:30 my son Noah was born weighing in at 10 pounds 2 ounces and measuring 23 inches long.
Now a few final notes about decisions and choices...
I chose my hospital basically on the recommendation of a friend (I had several to choose from within an hour's drive). There is a hospital only minutes from my house but I opted for one that was about a half hour drive as I felt I'd get better care, more services, and have a wider choice in ob-gyn. I was very happy with the hospital, the nursing staff, and the support and services we received.
I chose my ob-gyn after a bit of research into my available choices. I really wanted a woman (I've always had a woman gyn) and my friends in the area had all had men obs. All during my prenatal care I was very happy with my doctor and her staff. My husband and I always felt comfortable talking with her and asking questions.
However, when delivery time came she was on vacation, literally out of the country. Her backup was delivering another baby in another hospital so I ended up with some doctor (male!) on call and then he left in the evening and I ended up with a different doctor entirely doing the delivery. My wrist ID had all these names on there that were crossed off and written in! I was actually glad of the doctor there for delivery as I felt more comfortable with him than with the previous doctor. However, you spend most of your time until the actual delivery with a nurse and when it comes time you don't really care who is there, or at least I didn't!
When Noah was born he wasn't in distress but they were concerned about the length of the labor (following the loss of amniotic fluid) and mercomium (sp) in the fluid so he was whisked directly to a waiting specialist who checked him out from head to toe and then followed up before we went home. There weren't any concerns after all but it was reassuring to have that specialist available.
Finally, the decision about medication. I'd take the drugs again in a heartbeat! The last hours were awful and I can't imagine going the whole time without help but then I'm a wimp. It's important to know yourself and your own limitations.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
There are more books, magazines, web sites, and pamphlets than you can possible read about the subject of motherhood and yet every mother I know depends most on the input and experience of other mothers. That is the reason behind these notes.
I am not holding myself up as the ideal mother (although my child is perfect of course) but perhaps others can learn from my experiences and my mistakes. Even if it is perhaps too late to learn then perhaps they can at least take comfort from knowing that they are not alone in stumbling off the pedestal of motherhood perfection and perhaps there is someone making even bigger mistakes than their own!
I am not holding myself up as the ideal mother (although my child is perfect of course) but perhaps others can learn from my experiences and my mistakes. Even if it is perhaps too late to learn then perhaps they can at least take comfort from knowing that they are not alone in stumbling off the pedestal of motherhood perfection and perhaps there is someone making even bigger mistakes than their own!
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